"This is how a 6’10”, 200lb kid who can dunk with force, who shoots 3 point shots well and has a great love for the sport is ready to quit basketball. I feel hopeless and can't believe how things are turning against him. He is so dedicated and looks like all is against him. It's a shame some kid with his love for the sport and 6'10'' that he is quitting because of a negative experience! What advice do you have for this situation?"...
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PCA Response by Joe Terrasi, PCA Lead Trainer
Thank you for taking the time to write such a detailed account of your son’s experience. I’m sorry to hear of the accident involving Dan’s grandmother, and I hope she is recovering successfully.
As a coach and educator, I try to help players and families see the youth sports experience as part of a child’s overall development. In that context, sports can play a powerful role in developing a child’s approach to wellness as well as critical thinking, positive self-image, resilience, and character. Positive Coaching Alliance’s Double-Goal Coach® model calls coaches to focus both on striving to be competitive as well as teaching life lessons that will be useful long after the athlete’s youth sports experience. For example, the coach who helps a player develop the emotional skills to endure a tough loss has also given the player tools to face far more serious difficulties like Dan had to face when his grandmother was injured.
The “ELM tree of mastery” principle espoused by PCA can be a useful guide as you work with Dan. In it, coaches (and parents) are encouraged to help athletes focus on giving maximum effort (the “E” in ELM), understanding what they are learning and how they are developing (the “L” in ELM), and honing tools to use their mistakes (the “M”) as part of their learning rather than something to be feared. To put it more succinctly, athletes thrive when they are taught to focus on what they can control. Conversely, focusing on things outside their control causes anxiety.
Dan’s experiences as you’ve described them are an excellent example showing how powerful the “ELM tree of mastery” can be. His pride (and yours) in working hard to return to form after his injury is clear. He took control of his situation, he worked hard to improve, and he was successful in doing so.
The challenging downside inherent in not using the “ELM” principle is evident as well. If a player doesn’t “make a team,” it’s a detriment to the player’s development to allow him to focus on another player who made the team. Comparing himself to another player causes him to focus on elements he can’t control. Thus, it causes anxiety and hinders progress and development.
We all want to win (whatever “winning” is in that moment - making a team, getting more playing time, getting a good grade on a paper, etc.), but that end result is not in our immediate control. Thus, focusing primarily on the result can actually make it more difficult to achieve. Dan will be well-served by developing a habit of focusing on elements he can control. Your modeling of this habit will be a great asset to him as he works on this.
To bring these thoughts full-circle, developing the habits described above will have benefits for Dan in sports and beyond. In whatever career he chooses, he will probably find supervisors who seem unfair, colleagues with whom he does not get along, and other disappointments. Basketball and other sports are a great training ground in which he can develop the skills and grit to succeed when a much more important game is on the line.
Thank you for your commitment to youth sports.
